There is an old saying that you cannot have it all. But it was not until graduate school that I truly felt the weight of those words. The late nights in the lab, the weekends spent on experiments rather than quality time with family and friends, all come with a cost. We often do not realize how precious those lost moments are until they have slipped away. For me, that truth hit hardest when I lost people I deeply cared about, such as my father, whom I will never again be able to ask questions of or share my successes with.
In the midst of grant proposals, coursework and the relentless pursuit of knowledge, time begins to blur. Birthdays, anniversaries and simple get-togethers are easily missed. By the time you look up from your bench or your books, you might find that loved ones have grown older, drifted away or, heartbreakingly, passed on.
Losing family members during graduate school and early career years layered an entirely new level of grief onto an already stressful period. It is an ache that is hard to put into words, a sudden vacuum left by someone who was once so integral to your world. It was not just about missing their laughter; it was about missing their everyday support and advice, the vital presence that once grounded me.
Over time, I realized that grief is not just an emotional burden; it also leaves tangible marks on the body. Research shows that bereavement triggers a cascade of stress responses in multiple organs. The amygdala in the brain becomes overactive, intensifying sadness and fear, while the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis ramps up cortisol production, potentially causing insomnia, weight gain and memory issues. Acute grief can also burden the heart, often described as heartbreak. Buckley et al. (2012) wrote that bereavement can raise heart rate and blood pressure, factors that strain the cardiovascular system and result in increased risk of mortality in early bereavement. Meanwhile, Wilson et al. (2020) observed that individuals experiencing bereavement often show a decline in immune cell activity, leaving them vulnerable to illness. In the high-stress environment of a lab, this weakened immune response can lead to recurring sickness, magnifying the emotional toll.
One small, surprising source of relief for me has been tears. In early work by Frey and his team (1981), they analyzed both emotional tears and tears triggered by irritants. They found that emotional tears contained higher levels of protein-based hormones like prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone and leucine enkephalin (a natural painkiller), all of which our bodies produce under stress. While these findings suggest that emotional tears may serve a physiological purpose during emotional stress, further research is needed to validate these findings and fully understand how they might help us cope with grief.
In the end, graduate school and career ambitions can be deeply fulfilling, but they cannot replace the bonds we share with loved ones. Now that I have emerged into my early career, I carry the lessons loss has taught me alongside the lessons of science. I have learned that healing is not linear and cannot be forced by willpower or intellect. The scars of grief are as much a part of me as my publications and Ph.D. If anything, sorrow has made me a more compassionate researcher and mentor. Despite everything, love and loss have renewed my sense of purpose and gratitude. My father’s unwavering support still drives me to speak confidently about my work, while my uncle’s friendly curiosity reminds me to ask questions and pursue what seems impossible. Science trains us to be objective, but my grief reminds me that we are all vulnerable and how beautiful it is to be human.
So, if you are on this journey, buried in studies, chasing your dreams, take a moment to look up, make a call or send a message. Because once certain moments pass, you can never have them back. The sting of missing out does not go away easily, especially when the people you love are no longer just a phone call away. But perhaps we can learn to carry our memories with a gentler grief and allow them to guide us toward a more compassionate, balanced life.
References
- Buckley T, McKinley S, Tofler G, Bartrop R. Cardiovascular risk in early bereavement: a literature review and proposed mechanisms. Int J Nurs Stud. 2010 Feb;47(2):229-38.
- Wilson SJ, Padin AC, Bailey BE, Laskowski B, Andridge R, Malarkey WB, Kiecolt-Glaser JK. Spousal bereavement after dementia caregiving: A turning point for immune health. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2020 Aug;118:104717.
- Frey WH II, DeSota-Johnson D, Hoffman C, McCall JT. Effect of stimulus on the chemical composition of human tears. Am J Ophthalmol. 1981 Oct;92(4):559-67
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